I would like to add that I am now at a different job, still a desk job, and that this job has been even better than the previous one! If I would have listened to my fear about gaining weight from working at a desk all day, I would have forfeited some of the best years of my adult life. Well, each year has been great in its own way, so it's hard to prioritize...
Date: March 21, 2015
When I started at Blue Cross in 2012, I had a lot of apprehension.
I've alluded to the fact that living in the Midwest and having an office job were not part of my life goals, but there is much more to the story. I would like to share the rest with you to give you a more complete picture of who I am.
My life changed completely in 1999 for two reasons. I was 15, and that
was the year that I gave my life to Jesus Christ. It was also the year
that I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. It was the highest point in
my life, followed by the very lowest point.
I had thoughts of suicide, and I became very hidden. My emotions were hidden, my life was hidden, my behaviors were hidden. Even though I've always been on the quieter side, I went to a new and very unhealthy extreme.
I had thoughts of suicide, and I became very hidden. My emotions were hidden, my life was hidden, my behaviors were hidden. Even though I've always been on the quieter side, I went to a new and very unhealthy extreme.
The personality that I showed on the surface in social situations was the
personality I thought people wanted to see. I tried to be submissive and
caring, thoughtful and kind. On the surface I was well adjusted and a bit
of a perfectionist. I was doing life "right" all the time, and
it was exhausting.
On the inside, I was filled with pain and didn't know how to deal with it.
My goal in life became to find healing, and I tried everything I could to make
myself feel better on the inside. I eventually settled on studying
psychology, not so much so that I could help others, but so that maybe I could
get help myself.
When my winding path brought me back to ND, God finally had me where He wanted
me.
Through much inner turmoil and opposition, I submitted to the fact
that I needed to stay in Fargo, and He ultimately led me to Blue Cross.
I was afraid to take the job, because I was convinced that I
would become obese if I had a desk job. I still had the voice of anorexia
penetrating my thoughts even though my body had been at a healthy weight for
about a decade.
Throughout the past 3 years, the stretching and growing that I have experienced
in my personal and professional life has been the result of seemingly
insignificant interactions with everyone from coworkers to close friends. Through
these interactions, God has been pinpointing the places in my heart where I
still harbor bitterness, unforgiveness, and mistrust. It is a slow work,
but worth it all in the end if I can stand blameless before Him with clean
hands and a pure heart.
In the midst if it all, I've looked to my leaders, often in silence, to watch
how to respond. I've looked to my authorities to gain an understanding of
what it looks like to stand in the battle. I've looked to you, Mary, Amy,
Brad, and Mark, for guidance. Even though I may not verbally express that
I need guidance, I'm always watching, always listening.
In watching, I've learned that there is never a day too awful that there is not
time for a good laugh. There is no mistake so big that it can't be fixed.
There is never a time when someone doesn't have your back. You have
to show up if you expect to learn anything. You have to forgive others,
especially yourself. Most of all, I have learned, Jesus cares about the
details of my life, right down to which cubicle I sit in. (Even though I
secretly refer to it as a cell.)
God has access to my life here in a way I did not think was possible.
I didn't think I would be healed of anorexia while working for an insurance company. I never thought I would have a boss whose laugh could change the course of my day in an instant. I never thought I would meet people who genuinely care. But I have, and it's a gift. Every good and perfect gift comes from above.
I didn't think I would be healed of anorexia while working for an insurance company. I never thought I would have a boss whose laugh could change the course of my day in an instant. I never thought I would meet people who genuinely care. But I have, and it's a gift. Every good and perfect gift comes from above.
So I hope that helps give a more accurate portrayal of who I am and why I may
seem like a conundrum at times.
