Bathroom Floor

 

I purchased two small rugs for my bathroom yesterday. The feeling of the new soft, squishy, and supportive mats under my feet in the morning was worth it. Life changing.  

Photo by sebastiaan stam on Unsplash

I was surprised by excellent company at lunch today. Many of the people I used to eat lunch with on a daily basis are either no longer at the company or have decided not to take lunch breaks anymore. I still take breaks.

Mary Beth and Joni, among others, were visiting from Omaha this week. I’ve gotten in the habit of eating in the atrium when I can, because the sunlight that spills into the room is amazing. They both joined me today.

It wouldn’t be odd to have lunch with two female coworkers. What is significant about this lunch is that Joni has been our CEO for the past few years. This trip to Fargo was her last as CEO. Due to the company closing, she will officially transition into her new role at a separate company in the new year.  

She could have spent this last trip in Fargo meeting with absolutely anyone for lunch. She is a highly successful leader with many connections around the city. Instead, she chose to spend the time with Mary Beth and me.

She started the day by passing out coffee and doughnuts to each employee. Our leaders do this every so often- they push a loaded cart around our offices to serve us.

She knows everyone by name, remembers unique details about what we each hope to do after the company closes, and she even makes (made) time to meet with each team once a quarter to make sure we knew our voices were heard.

Her style of leadership should not be unique, but it is. 

I am writing this post as a note to my future self. If your future boss doesn’t understand you, invite her into the reality you experienced from 2016-2020. If your future coworkers are gossipy and mean, remember how good things are right now. If you don’t get treated like an adult by your next employer, stay above the line. Remember everything you learned here. Remember the sights and sounds. Remember the laughter and the silliness. Just remember.

Photo credit: https://unsplash.com/@sharonmccutcheon

Just let go

I’m having a Marlin moment. You may recall Marlin from Finding Nemo. There’s a particular scene that’s been in my head all day, and it’s the scene where Dory and Marlin are trapped inside the whale.

Marlin feels trapped and hopeless.

When the whale gets ready to blow all the water that it has collected inside, back outside, Dory releases herself from the safety of the whale’s tongue into the pool of water at the back of its throat. Marlin protests and tries to be logical. Dory counters by telling him it’s time to let go. Everything will be alright.

It’s time to let go, everything will be alright.

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I wrote the majority of this post in 2015 (four years ago!) 

I would like to add that I am now at a different job, still a desk job, and that this job has been even better than the previous one! If I would have listened to my fear about gaining weight from working at a desk all day, I would have forfeited some of the best years of my adult life. Well, each year has been great in its own way, so it's hard to prioritize... 



Date: March 21, 2015 

When I started at Blue Cross in 2012, I had a lot of apprehension.

I've alluded to the fact that living in the Midwest and having an office job were not part of my life goals, but there is much more to the story.  I would like to share the rest with you to give you a more complete picture of who I am.

My life changed completely in 1999 for two reasons.  I was 15, and that was the year that I gave my life to Jesus Christ.  It was also the year that I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa.  It was the highest point in my life, followed by the very lowest point.
I had thoughts of suicide, and I became very hidden.  My emotions were hidden, my life was hidden, my behaviors were hidden.  Even though I've always been on the quieter side, I went to a new and very unhealthy extreme.

The personality that I showed on the surface in social situations was the personality I thought people wanted to see.  I tried to be submissive and caring, thoughtful and kind.  On the surface I was well adjusted and a bit of a perfectionist.  I was doing life "right" all the time, and it was exhausting.

On the inside, I was filled with pain and didn't know how to deal with it.

My goal in life became to find healing, and I tried everything I could to make myself feel better on the inside.  I eventually settled on studying psychology, not so much so that I could help others, but so that maybe I could get help myself.

When my winding path brought me back to ND, God finally had me where He wanted me. 

Through much inner turmoil and opposition, I submitted to the fact that I needed to stay in Fargo, and He ultimately led me to Blue Cross.

I was afraid to take the job, because I was convinced that I would become obese if I had a desk job.  I still had the voice of anorexia penetrating my thoughts even though my body had been at a healthy weight for about a decade.

Throughout the past 3 years, the stretching and growing that I have experienced in my personal and professional life has been the result of seemingly insignificant interactions with everyone from coworkers to close friends. Through these interactions, God has been pinpointing the places in my heart where I still harbor bitterness, unforgiveness, and mistrust.  It is a slow work, but worth it all in the end if I can stand blameless before Him with clean hands and a pure heart.

In the midst if it all, I've looked to my leaders, often in silence, to watch how to respond.  I've looked to my authorities to gain an understanding of what it looks like to stand in the battle. I've looked to you, Mary, Amy, Brad, and Mark, for guidance.  Even though I may not verbally express that I need guidance, I'm always watching, always listening.

In watching, I've learned that there is never a day too awful that there is not time for a good laugh.  There is no mistake so big that it can't be fixed.  There is never a time when someone doesn't have your back.  You have to show up if you expect to learn anything.  You have to forgive others, especially yourself.  Most of all, I have learned, Jesus cares about the details of my life, right down to which cubicle I sit in.  (Even though I secretly refer to it as a cell.)

God has access to my life here in a way I did not think was possible.
I didn't think I would be healed of anorexia while working for an insurance company.  I never thought I would have a boss whose laugh could change the course of my day in an instant.  I never thought I would meet people who genuinely care.  But I have, and it's a gift.  Every good and perfect gift comes from above.

So I hope that helps give a more accurate portrayal of who I am and why I may seem like a conundrum at times.

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Oscar Sunday

One of my teammates recommended watching Roma. I didn’t know what the film was about, so he explained it to me. I immediately thought of Carmen.

While watching the film, the plot was so much slower than I was expecting. I kept wondering what the point was. Where is this going?

Now that I’ve watched it, I have thought about it every day. Although the film was based on life in Mexico in 1970, it still speaks to life today. Most of the scenes were similar to what I experienced in Bolivia. 

Carmen, setting the table for breakfast. Carmen, cleaning the floors while everyone was at school or work. Carmen, cleaning up after the dog. Carmen, cooking lunch. Carmen, hanging the laundry.

Carmen, tending to me while I was ill. Carmen, making hot tea in the afternoon. Carmen, smiling and resting her hand on my shoulder while I sat at the table.

Carmen, carrying bags of fresh produce through the market. Carmen, instructing me to stay and wait. Carmen, stopping to chat with the store owners, getting the best prices on eggs.

Carmen, taking us to the ice cream shop for a treat on the way home. Carmen, arranging the roses in a vase by the front door. Carmen, opening the gate to let the car into the driveway in the evening.

Day after day.

Yes, the Casita kids touched my heart and I still carry them in my thoughts. Yes, the people at the church befriended me and let me into their world by sharing meals, time, and good company.

But Carmen changed my life. Watching her, day after day, carrying the family in her heart. She cared deeply about making sure everything was in order, just as Mario and Iris had asked. Strong and steady. Resilient and ready. Dependable beyond measure.

Carmen, bendecida por Dios.

Future Dreams

My career saga continues onward, and it’s headed in a good direction. I have peace about the future; I don’t know what it’s going to look like, but I feel superb about the steps I am taking to get there.

     I am finishing up my massage therapy license requirements in ND. I have under 100 hours to complete.

     To finish some of my practice hours, I’ve reached out to the Ronald McDonald House and the Sanford Eating Disorder Unit to see if I can bring my massage chair in to give free chair massages to staff, patients, and guests over the next six months. Both organizations are near and dear to my heart, and I want to give back in whatever way I can.

     Never one to be in a hurry, this process has been about 15 years in the making. 😊 If I had gone the traditional route, the classes and licensing exam would have taken me about one and a half years. But why do it in under two years if I can do it in 15?

·       A few months ago, I signed up to be a recovery mentor through ANAD. I have been in touch with my mentee for almost a month, and I am enjoying taking this step outside my comfort zone. We text a couple times a week.

Initially, I was scared I might say or do something that would set her back or cause further problems.

However, I know from experience that even though it may not seem like much, having someone there to encourage and speak hope can have long-lasting positive impacts. I still look back at past emails or notes from people who have believed in me over the years when I was ready to give up.

·       Wellness! Lol. I don’t know what that word means anymore. I got out of a fitness routine after BIO Girls completed last summer. Although winter shoveling has kept me active, lean, and ripped (why yes, I do flex in the mirror), I need to commit to a schedule of physical health for the sake of my mental health. I’ve been walking the seven flights of stairs at work a couple times a week to regain cardio strength. I ventured out to the free gym a couple times last weekend to lift (and just to get some alone time). 

     The highlight of late has been going to a local open gym to shoot hoops. I was surrounded by middle-schoolers, and absolutely loved it! I am going to make it a point to go at least once a week. Best part? My company sponsors us on wellness activities and equipment, so I got some sweet new basketball shoes for free, courtesy of the greatest place to work. Yes!

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To all the cultivators out there- thank you!

If I were being graded on composition, this paper might get a C+.

Thankfully, I’ve escaped that system!

Over the past few years, I’ve learned to measure intimidation with a renewed perspective.

Intimidation can be a positive means to a successful goal, much like competition. (Don’t worry, I won’t go into my tirade on the impressive shortfalls of limiting competition to sports.) Intimidation and competition, when based on an eternal perspective rooted in love, can be both good and necessary. When they are used to control, manipulate, discourage, do harm, etc., that is out of the scope of this post. I’ll leave that for another day. Or perhaps I’ll never get to it. 😉

Often, when I meet someone I find intimidating, it is because they have paid a price to overcome a battle that I am still fighting. Something deep inside me responds to this truth, and essentially says, “Oh, crap.” As in, ‘oh, crap, I’ve been caught staying up past my bedtime.’ Or, ‘oh, crap, I broke a glass in the kitchen.’ Or, ‘Ah! I replied all!!!’

The intimidation I feel from those who have gone before me and paid the price brings godly conviction that prompts me to learn and grow. It also motivates me to find words to describe what’s going on inside.

It’s a spiritual response in me to the strength I recognize in them. It spurns curiosity and brings me to an (almost) unhealthy obsession with finding out what makes them tick. Typically, I find out that these “intimidators” have a relationship with Jesus. This is how I’ve concluded that my response is spiritual, not emotional, and it has eternal motives.

The dictionary tells me the root of intimidation is fear. I know there is good fear and bad fear. The fear of God is the best fear, because He is perfect love, and perfect love casts out fear. So the more I fear Him, the more I love Him and others, and the less afraid I am. And when I meet someone who frightens me (again, not in an abusive or hurtful way) and I just can’t shake it, it means I’ve got some work to do.

Perhaps a better word than intimidation is cultivation.

Inside, I feel like a plot of land, and the cultivating individuals who come across my path see soil with potential. Yes, tilling hurts, but it allows seeds to be planted. I see the “intimidating” individuals there with shovels and trowels, perfectly placed in their hands to reap the greatest benefit.

And what I have slowly learned is to embrace the cultivation. I embrace it like a fluffy puppy.

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